I speak too soon. My car is considered totaled. Beloved chariot, freedomobile, done. I go into a bit of shock, safety net stretched, shaky as if the impact of the fender-bender just hit me. The strands that this particular vehicle tie me to need tending, this car may be an offering up. Another chariot awaits on my street, parked there by a sister while she travels. I get in, heading in the direction of dealers. Deep-tissue work first, thank goddess for the $20/hr walk-in magician who tends me so well. The spa is nestled among a handful of used car lots. With no idea what I want, except top-down and sturdy, I make my way.
I'm wearing leopard-print pants and no shoes and remember vaguely that some people make efforts to present themselves a certain kind of way to buy a car. Fk that.
The two salesdudes I encounter are of no relation to any used car salesperson caricature ever. They are soft-spoken, wait to be approached and answer my questions kindly and with nothing extra. I sense this experience can be easeful and even exciting.
Browsing the second lot, one car looks appealing and maybe within my already strongly stretched price range. Then my gaze travels and Wow the dream car the one I want the one that makes me swoon even though I didn't know til now that an automobile could hold that power over me.
I wonder if I am out of my depth on every level. I have never done this thing of buying a car before except in a couple of Craigslist bursts of I-need-a-conversion-van-to-call-home or to journey to Amma in. I am out of my depth because where will the money for this come from? I am out of my depth for so many reasons until I realize perhaps I am not out of my depth at all.
I know what matters to me - a process that is easeful and nourishing and connective and joyful, a process that is life-giving and gratitude-rooting and more playful than I'd known possible. I am in my depth because while I start this day not knowing I'll be bidding my car goodbye, and I middle the day not knowing what kind of car I want to buy, I end the day different.
I ready for sleep with visions of a particular car dancing in my minds eye, and also pictures of two others that could be more than fine. And remember that I can walk or BART pretty much everywhere I want to go except the beach and Baba's, and that most folks come my way. I'm aware that this thing, this process that could be really daunting, is an experience that wants to be fabulous and simple and to bring me into an entirely next level of pleasure, alignment and resonance. It's like that.