i have nothing to say. that was my response to the friend who just wrote me, asking me to make one of my "long flowing posts," because he says my voice is needed now. if you know me closely, you may know that i sometimes give a fast no before finding a real yes. my knee-jerk response to him explained that i am so relieved to be far away from home and from Facebook, i got so smoked out by the firestorm in my newsfeed, the intensity of me too's and certain responses to them. i have nothing to say. i told him so loud and clear. and then found myself, as if compelled, logging onto here.
right in that moment, the love I'm here with stepped away from the NFL and toward where i had been getting work done. whatcha doing, he joked, posting on Facebook? he doesn't play in social media, and finds amusement in my semi-addiction. yes, i blushed, i'm thinking about it, but i have nothing to say. he replied, "that's never true."
he's right. it's never true. i have so much to say. in this moment, i could explain the multiple ways that me too's have broken facebook for me. but when i try, my words quickly dissolve into arggghhhh. or i could tell you the deep and surprising joy i felt graveside yesterday, visiting ancestors i haven't pilgrimaged to in a decade, and the particular sensation of being in a jewish cemetery, sunlight beaming on headstones, name after name after name i recognized as my extended tribe. or i could tell you about the fear gripping my chest tonight as i prepare to book travel to a training that has me all in tangles, and the stark clarity evoked by bibliomancy a friend sent in response to my request for divination on it.
but what i'm actually gonna say is a celebration and a heads up for those of you who, like my friend who reached out, want to know what i have to say. my words on FB have gotten way more extensive in the 20 months since Baba surprised us all by getting married to God. some have felt that since can't Baba post now ~ he's way too busy entering dreamspace everywhere ~ it's up to us to do the thing. one of my students just gathered my posts - starting with the corsets and synchronicity chronicles - into a sweet lil blog on my website, so the goodness and the rambles from these recent years are living in one easeful place. for me to say yes to this, it meant letting go of needing to shape them into a book first. it meant releasing concern that former congregants, or deep loves & family, will read what i've written and have judgement or misinterpret. it meant embracing some semblance of arrogance to believe these keystrokes deserve their own page.
who knows what this blog will bring. maybe it'll be more of the same, maybe it'll steer more traffic to my site, maybe it'll mean i post much more or much less here on FB. one thing it means is that i am taking my writing just a smidge more seriously, and that the me who knows how to record an album way better than how to balance a checkbook is also willing to give form to the many dreams my heart holds around writing. it means that the me that wanted to author nancy drews when i was eight, and who wanted to create a sacred erotica imprint last year, and who has started so many books but only finished the ones i've had a stellar co-author on, is ready to root the narrative in fuller form. for now, consider this an invitation to do a thing that you think is too much or too bold or too indulgent. consider this also a trailer for my blog. coming soon, to a browser near you ....