Last night a friend called to tell me he experienced his first full-body orgasm, which he’d been courting for some time, but not entirely believed possible. I celebrated this goodness with him, shared snippets of my perspective & technologies, and felt palpable joy that this strand of inquiry is one that folks reach out to me about with consistency. I referenced - for the second time that night - a piece I wrote for a group of cis-men that was gathering feedback from women in the wake of the #metoo movement and asked for mine. My off-the-cuff response is below, with the caveat that talking about men as a category, and assuming anything at all about their genital make-up, isn't my preferred way.

The question I was asked:  What are (cis-) men not getting? What do you want us to understand?

My response: The sacredness of sex, and your own sexuality.

Work to cultivate your capacity for exquisite presence in your body and with your desire.

Cultivate a primary sexual relationship with yourself ~ and Spirit if that's your thing ~ first. This generates a strength and clarity so that when in connection with others there is not leaky energy, or neediness, and when there is connection with another sexually, there is reverence, honor, presence, gift.

A cis-man who has ease, comfort and nuance with his own sexual presence, is solid in it, and offers it, without expectation or entitlement, and in right circumstances ~ this is such important medicine.

Honor the power and mystery of menstruation and fertility cycles.

Learn to be the keeper of your own pleasure. Take responsibility for it.

Invest energy in linking your c*ck ~ and your entire pelvic magic ~ with your heart.

Practice saturating your phallus with your presence.

If you have an idea or experience that sex can't be hot for you with a condom, dismantle that. Give attention to awakening sensitivity in your c*ck so that P-V sex can be off the charts with a condom.

Cultivate a nuanced awareness of desire.

Be a whole being ... don't engage sexually from an unintegrated space.

Work to get your sexual awareness and expression on point, and the likelihood of you crossing boundaries or being out of line decreases dramatically.

Receive a 'no' or a boundary with gratitude or appreciation, or a real 'thank you' rather than with a push or with emoting. Let your lover invite you. Listen. Slow. Slow enough that your presence and at-choiceness, and theirs, is entirely supported.

Cultivate friendship first, and as a primary foundation, for erotic intimacy. Get the erotic and the friend-trust and respect mirror-neurons linked up.

Of all the things, my emphasis stays on cultivating sexual self-awareness, capacity for nuance and pace amidst pleasure, and saturating your phallus with your full presence / integrating your pelvic space with the rest of you. Be the gift. And don't assume what she needs.

They also asked: What would you like us to say to each other?

My response: Call each other in, consistently, so often that it is expected, that you retrain your words and your brains. Don't use speech that denigrates. Don't say p*ssy as a word to indicate weakness. Don't objectify women in your speech and don't be silent or go along with it when someone else does. Recognize the damage that is created by language that reinforces negative thought.

Be willing to know what you don't know together. Learn to awaken emotional awareness while not responding with fragility that is skewed defensiveness. Don't redirect attention to yourself if you've made a microaggression, macroagression, harmfully transgressed or things have gone awry.

Thank you for asking! Bless your discovery and deepenings.  To explore more deeply, check out Sex and the Sephirot online class